Well, I (Shelli, the blogger) should probably start this post off with a big old fat apology for not writing in so long. So, here it goes:
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, on with the show.
When I think of the words Dream, Desire, Hope, Love, Faith...two things come to mind:
1. Those wood block words that you can buy at any home decor shop and hang on your wall or mantel. Usually, right next to your family photo. "This is a family of LOVE!", or, "I have FAITH!", or "I like to DREAM!" Actually, now that I think about it...I super secretly like those big words and would probably hang one on my wall too. However, mine would probably say "MESSY" or "SARCASTIC" or "POOP".
Moving on...
2. Failure. (Did she just say failure? Is this going to be a "Pessimistic Polly" post? Oh Geez)
To answer your question; no. Well, maybe.
But, I thought I would write a post about how I (Shelli, the blogger formerly known as "The Singing Banker"...) have been processing things.
Here's the deal:
The Jones' household of two has an optomist and a pessimist. An extraverted individual and a introverted individual. An external processor and an internal processor. A gentle giant and a sass monster.
I am the pessimistic, extraverted, external processing, sass monster. I even sometimes shoot sass daggers with my eyes at others. (Pretty sure "Lazor Cats" on Saturday Night Live was actually based on my supernatural skills.)
I need to externally process. So, here it goes:
I can honestly say now that this last 1 1/2 years in the adoption process has been the hardest, saddest, most weight gaining, blood pressure raising, fake smile making, life hating, tear shedding, disappointing, bed laying, hair graying, stressful time in my life.
Adoption IS.NOT.EASY! Especially, international!!!!!!!! I've sat and watched three friends start the adoption process after us and receive their children by now. All adopted domestically. Not to mention the tons of friends having pregnancies and births.
We knew going into this that it sometimes takes 2 or more years...but, it isn't always the case. Sometimes they go way faster.
(I'm special. Surely it wont take US that long!)
Lies and deceit!
I just want to scream: "We're so over this!!! We're sick of waiting for our child!!! We're done filling out papers!!! We're so tired!!!!"
It's a never ending cycle of highs and lows. Every day, I literally have to remind myself to have faith. Every day I have to remind myself that our child is already born and sitting in an orphanage in Bulgaria just waiting. Every day I have to remind myself to pray for someone to have a heart and go hug my child, play with them and to sing to him/her.
Every.Single.Day.
...but then, there is this quiet whisper that comes in every day...
"I know the plans I have for you"
"Run and don't grow weary"
"I'll never give you more than you can handle"
"You can do all things through ME that gives you strength"
"I knit together and created that child FOR YOU"
"I am weeping with you"
I feel helpless and hopeless sometimes. I don't know what I would have done this last 1 1/2 years without my faith and my family / friends. My God and my family/friends have LITERALLY been my rock. How do non-Christians do this?
As of right now, we don't have too many adoption updates except that we are done with the paper work and that we're getting closer to raising all the money. Only $9,000 left!!!!
When our adoption agency receives all the paper work (which should be in the next two months after the FBI gives us the "thumbs up"), we just sit and wait for a match.
Please pray with us:
1. We would like to be matched with our child by the end of this Summer. (late August, early September).
2. We want to take the first of our two trips to Bulgaria by late August, early September and finalize the entire thing by December 31st of this year. (We have to go to Bulgaria twice to finalize the adoption)
3. For the final $9,000 to come in quick.*
4. For patience and a faith that can move mountains.
5. For a season of rest now that we're done with the paper work and just waiting. For us to be able to maybe take two weeks to just sit and relax. But, to do this WELL. I seriously need to just go and decompress somewhere. I need my blood pressure to go down!!!!! My friend, Lori, called this a "baby-cation". A time for us to decompress before the kiddo comes. But, I think it will be more of a "stay-cation". Saving saving saving to bring that kiddo home. :)
* If you would like to give towards our adoption:
1. Go to www.swa.net
2. Choose "Sophies Fund" on the donation page
3. When "checking out", you must write: "FOR THE CHILD TO BE ADOPTED BY JUSTIN AND SHELLI JONES" in the memo field.
THANKS!
Shelli, the blogger formerly known as "The Singing Banker" who grew up in West Tulsa
6 comments:
You break my heart honey. I'm up ar 4 am because I can't sleep; worrying about this, concerned about that, how will I manage whatever and, of course, the big worry....gma and gpa. Then I read your blog. My worries are so insignificant when compared to you wanting, needing, waiting for your child. We forget sometimes that all babies don't always come the traditional way.I hope and pray your waiting will be over SOON and your lives as parents will begin before we go thru another year. Love,Aunt Nancy
I loved this post.
Thank you for being real.
This is exactly how I felt during the process to adopt Noah. Everybody was excited for me, but I was just going through the motions or very very cranky most of the time. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my sister and sister-in-law (both also infertiles, who understood the reality of adoption) crying and hollering, "It's not fair!" Just like infertility, adoption is full of indignities and loss and anger, on all sides.
But God kept whispering "I know the plans I have for you." And He did. And those plans are sitting next to me eating Cheerios right now and I love him to death. I can't believe how God provided. I can't believe I am saying it now, but I would go through infertility and the adoption process a million times over to get Noah.
You are in an elite club of Infertiles. But we ALL understand. I love you.
(I am totally making you a wall hanging that says POOP. One for me too.)
I agree that POOP is probably the right word for you guys. Only because it's funny. Not because poop ever reminds me of you. Though, now it might... anyway...
THANK YOU for being real. Know that you don't ever have to be "fake" w/ me. I'll take the tears & yelling & sass. :)
He is faithful. In ways we can't even imagine.
Awww, I love you sass monster and I know your kid will too. Belky and I just can't wait to meet your kiddo. And like the others have said, thank you for not wearing a mask in this post.
Shelli, I appreciate your honesty and will keep you in my prayers!
~Kathryn
You can do this. He is for you! Those years of waiting during the process for each child are THE HARDEST thing ever.
I had to grow up. Pray up and walk humbly with my God.
I loved the rawness to this post. I could have written it myself. Been there. You are right- so hard!
Adoption is NOT for the faint of heart. But you will not faint. You will press on and not grow weary or faint. And you will not grow weary in doing good for you WILL reap a harvest if you do not give up.
We are all in prayer for you. In prayer for your peanut coming home.
It is not easy, as you have said, but what a testimony of perseverence.grace.endurance.heartache.joy.and.more!
Thank you for allowing all of us to walk with you.
And about that other "stuff" of other couples and their process, I had to learn that it was a joykill 100% of the time. Do NOT compare timelines, childrens ages, races, travel times, country programs or anything else. It just plain o' steals the joy right from your heart.
Praying for God's perfect timeline for your adoption. Perfect month for referral. Perfect travel dates.
Blessings,
Natasha
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