Ah, the first line to one of my favorite hymns; "It is well with my soul".
...but, can I REALLY sing that right now?
A couple of nights ago I watched the movie "The Italian Job" with Justin. In the movie is this quote: "you know what FINE means don't you? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional". Well, when people ask me how I'm doing these days, I usually say "Fine". However, I think the definition from that movie kinds of sums it up the truth behind my answer.
...I'm not REALLY "fine".
The truth be told, I've been worried to death about our finances (causing my blood pressure to go up); choosing to believe the worst in situations; sinking into a mild depression; and accepting the lead role in this years production of "Mrs. Cranky pants moved to China".
We've been out here a year, lost some financial support along the way, our townhouse isn't rented and we're super tight on money. Things just aren't very "comfortable" for us right now. But, we're not called to a life of comfort...are we? But, we're also not supposed to worry...but somehow, I always do.
I've been reading through Matthew this last couple of weeks. I love the words that Christ spoke. They were so basic, yet majestic. His message was simple: Love one another...don't worry about life...don't judge people...legalism is for the birds....satan is out to getcha....and tell others about this love and salvation. (And, I'm sure I left out quite a bit.) Why do I dwell so much on things that are outside this basic mold for life? Why do I worry so much??? WHY????
Then he breaks in, in a REALLY big way...
Last night, Justin and I were sitting in the house singing the song "He is jealous for me (How he loves us)". MAN OH MAN!!!!! That song had us both in tears. We were so broken and humbled. He really really loves us. Not just a little bit, not just "enough", he loves us SO so so so much. More than we can ever feel, comprehend or understand. We just can't understand it because God is THAT big.
Bigger...REALLY bigger than my problems and worries.
So, I wait expectantly for a miracle in our finances. And that miracle may be peanut butter in jelly sandwiches for a month while HE totally rescues my heart once again from the miry pit. And THAT is the true miracle. The miracle of redemption and joy from our Father.
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He love us, Oh how he loves us, Oh how he loves us...
4 comments:
Oh Shelli, I have been there with our finances as well - especially during those first few years. I would have so much anxiety at times that it would send me too into a mild depression as well. But after eleven years, I can say that God is faithful. I'll be praying for you and Justin! Thank you for sharing you're journey with us. I didn't know you had a blog. I'm glad you posted on FB. Staci
I didn't know you had a blog either ~ I am so behind on mine! I will be praying for you. I miss hearing you sing ~ beautiful! Kelly
I LOVE the transparency. Confess your sins to one another and you shall be healed!
There is nothing better than talking openly about your struggles and confessing that you choose to trust Christ.
I have to say that about a week ago, I was in the shower washing my hair, and POP, your townhouse came into my mind. Weird, I know. But true, and I prayed for this situation. You just never know who might be called to pray along with you in your life's details.
I pray for joy in the middle of these emotional trials. (Book of Philippians)
I am SO proud of you and know you are doing a great work in Ch!na.
Love you all,
Natasha
You are in my pr@yers, my friend. As is your townhouse situation. If you need anything to get it rented or managed, my offer to help still stands.
Finances are tough. Cling to one another and be like-minded in your pr@yers. G0d is faithful. I, in my infinitesimal faith, have seen him work mightily in my own money situations I previously thought impossible. Like to the dollar working things out. Or random refund checks in the mail we were not expecting. Totally faith-building but hard to walk through at the same time.
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