No, this isn't a reference to a Dr. Seuss children's book called "Are you my Mother".
No, its not a cry out to my former nunnery in search of my Mother Superior. (Oh ya...I was never a Nun. Scratch that.)
And, no its not a deep longing to stay connected to my sweet Step-Mom Judy after her and my Dads recent divorce. Because, that bond between us will always be there.
It IS a deep search that I'm on though...
Will I be good at Mothering? Will the child like me...let alone LOVE me? Will I bond with him/her? Will that natural instinct just naturally come upon me as soon as they're in my arms? Will...will...will????
Pregnancy is nine months long (actually, its closer to 10). Nine months of feeling a presence inside of you. Nine months to prepare, "nest" and wait with expectation. Nine months to bond before ever seeing your little one.
The adoption process can be anywhere from six months to four years. With ZERO guarantee that you will actually receive a little one in your arms. You can get your hopes up...but what if?
What if?
What if we're not approved for it?
What if everything at the country we're adopting from completely falls apart?
What if we are referred a child and when we've traveled across the ocean to get him/her, the child's mother has changed her mind and wants the baby back. Which HAPPENS!
What if something absolutely horrifying happens? My heart has been wrenched to pieces over a story that a long-time friend recently told the world about. Their adoption story is one that can not be made up in fictional stories. It was and still is pure hell at times for them. But...they trust. They keep trusting.
I know, I know....we're just now starting this big process. We've only been in it officially since January 14th of this year. So, only three months. AND, our home study is happening on April 14th. So, the ball IS rolling. Praise God!
But, my stupid pessimistic world view always gets the best of me. DANG IT!
Six - nine months is a wait period I can handle.
Ten - thirteen months? I'm getting antsy but still holding on to hope.
Fourteen months-twenty four months? Hope is dwindling.
Twenty five months - four years? I might as well go on with my life, because who knows if I'll ever actually see my child.
Four years?????? Are you freaking kidding me?
That is longer than an elephants gestational time period of 22 months...the longest of any mammal. So, why should adoption be longer than THAT? Its absurd if you ask me. Simply STUPID! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It is easier and quicker to purchase a handgun, break the law and serve a prison sentence than it is to adopt a child. THAT IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it!
I just want to be a Mom.
I just want to be a Mom.
I just want to be a Mom.
I just want to be a Mom.
Then, his voice comes flowing back.
I am good.
I love you.
You are in my arms.
I wont let you fall.
I wont give up on you.
You are my perfect creation.
You have these desires in your heart to be a Mom because I put them there.
Have patience dear one. This journey is long and hard, but I'm here. I'm always here.
Just trust me.
Trust.
2 comments:
Yep. And you can know for sure God is preparing you and Justin and the kids He's going to give you, for each other. Dare I reference someone in particular? :)
Big, understanding hugs from here.
Shelli,
I can understand the longing to have children. I may have three now, but they all came after a lot of work. I hope you are keeping your eyes up always! And it is okay to cry/mourn.
Thinkin of you!!
Kelly Hastings
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